Slaman
Professional Shielding Apparatus
Guild Member
Forum Member
Posts: 944
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« on: May 22, 2009, 02:04PM » |
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Pulled from KM Forums. Amazing how true so many of these are.
THE PEOPLE YOU RAID WITH
The GM- He’s sacrificed his health, friends, and probably a couple of jobs to drag you through new content. When the guild isn’t performing, these decisions are in question. Prone to shooting sprees, forum flame wars, and the rapid advancement/gearing of whatever toon the guild "needs". If you can keep your mouth shut, he’ll go emo and quit before you get gkicked. Still, you do like the guy. Or did. Before he went crazy. See drunks, below.
The GM's Significant Other- Okay, so he was going to have to quit but he tricked his SO into playing. She loves it. She's terrible. You'll effectively 24 man every boss. Count on 4 constructs in the raid, every attempt. She plays a Belf.
The Raid Leader- When you stand in the flames, he dies a little bit inside.
The Heir Apparent- When the GM goes psycho, ninjas the bank, and gdisbands, you're the guy the guild is gonna look to to to fix the mess. You see it coming. You can't decide if ritual suicide or being the new gm would be more painful.
The Positive Officer- “That was great. Just great. You know, only 5% of guilds have even made it to Supremus, and getting him down to 67% on the second attempt is hawt.” See Stoners, below.
The Negative Officer- "Jesus Christ why are there corpses under all these goddamn volcanoes? It’s Supremus for %@*@s’s sake. GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN FLAME!" See Drunks, below.
The Healing Officer- Has this job because, as the newest officer who plays a healer, he’s stuck with it.
The Hunter Class Lead- Will tell you that it does actually require skill and preparation to play a hunter well in the end game. Lies frequently.
Metermaid- He's got meters running. Always. Asks for meter postage whenever he's in the top 5, which is rare, as his focus on the meters is preventing him from seeing the volcano he's pathing towards. Pulls aggro. Has yet to realize that 0 health returns 0 dps. If he's healing, you might as well just put him on raid, he's gonna heal them anyway.
Stratman- Has read every strategy on the entire internet for every boss. Unable to think critically. Knows where his talk key is. Hated by the officers. Likely to play a hunter or mage. If this is also Chick With Accent, below, guild will probably collapse.
The Stay At Home Mom- She’s around children all day and craves adult conversation. Babbles incessantly in vent, forgetting that adult conversation doesn’t usually begin with, “So I was talking to (insert name of four-year-old child) and he says…” Well liked, but frequently muted.
Mr. Mikeless- Has a microphone. Hears the conversation and directions. Once wiped the raid because he started talking and most folks alt-tabbed to see who the hell was speaking. May be your best player.
The Kid- So, you messed up on this guy’s interview and nobody noticed that he was 12. But, he can play. And if he gets a little bit excited when boobies are getting talked about? Hey, he’s young.
The Backbone- Plays a tank. Doesn't have much to say. Made an error once in SSC, or so you heard. Will disconnect when Gorefiend is at 30% and keep aggro while offline for the rest of the fight. Has never said anything negative to the healers. Ever. GL with your progression without one of these. Hates the prima donnas.
The Other kid- Remember that accountant you interviewed for the fury warrior position? And how you wondered how he’d make time to raid during tax season? He couldn’t. His eleven year old daughter took over about that time. She’s been raiding since. Mages, that’s an eleven year-old girl owning you night after night.
The Hunter Who Doesn't Do His Homework- Always good for insightful commentary and clever observation just after a wipe. "Holy Crap Man! I was just standing and shooting and this damn VOLCANO popped on me! When did they put in those volcanoes?"
The Prophet- Kept insisting that you were going to need a melee group for BT, despite the fact hat melee was dreadful for SSC/BT. Badgered the management until they broke. Plays a rogue. Shreds. Loved by the Most Devout.
The Most Devout- This is the guy who gets to play an off-spec in a big-boy raid. He's the fury warrior, the boomkin, or the enhance shammy. He cannot believe that some fate is letting him have this much fun that he's afraid it will all come crashing down. Prays devoutly to his favorite deity that the guild won't collapse because he'll never have THIS much fun again. Ever.
The Drunks- The core of your guild. As raid progresses, their voices in vent are getting just ever so slightly slurred. You don’t notice because you’re trying to sound sober yourself. DPS output seems to scale positively with blood alcohol content.
The Stoners- Quietly wiping raids since the beta. They really, really, really hate having to move out of the fire. Two of them are dead under the volcanoes. They live in fear of the negative officer. They have their own channel. Try /join (insertguildname)stoners. You'll see who’s in there. It'll explain a lot. Still, if these guys don't show, bosses don't seem to actually die. They’re also having more fun that everyone else combined.
The Prima Donna- Requires special attention from management. Constantly whining. Plays some vital role. Might be a main tank, mage tank, or lock tank. The officers really hate this guy and as soon as they can find another tank with 24,000 buffed HP, he’s out. Not a stoner.
The Chick with the Accent- Is the accent fake? Nobody knows or cares. Future visits to Australia/Britian/New Zealand/Alabama are now planned by all single raid members.
The Healing Pallie- Hates healing and had to go holy to see endgame. If you raid with a boomkin, a feral druid, a fury warrior, or any non-resto shaman, you are not getting a 10 minute blessing. Forget it. He hates you. God help you if he has a raid-viable alt in one of those classes; you're not even getting heals. Also, see Prima Donna.
The Departed Legend- You joined after he left. You suspect that he could not actually solo Doomwalker. But you're not totally sure.
The Disgruntled Raider- Took an unannounced, extended vacation and now has to share his raid spot with the other 11 extra dps. Very angry about this situation. Doesn't realize that ##@#*ing is making things worse. Officers pray for a gquit.
The Warlock Whisperer- Directionally challenged. Despite having run Karazhan 1.26 million times, will require a summon to Maiden's room from the entrance. Has a "summon pls" macro. Strangely, is good at moving away from volcanoes. See (you guessed it) Stoners.
The New Guy- Begins most sentences with, "That's not how we did it in my old guild on Korgath." Likely to remain guilded for approximately one week. You wonder if he'll be telling his next guild, "In my old guild, we ran TOWARDS the volcanoes.
The Husband - Was once asked to respec for the raid, but did it so poorly you just know it must be intentional. He'll never have to wash dishes or respec again. Easier to do it yourself.
Mr. TMI: Talks incessantly in vent, generally about something that you would never want to know.
The Beggar: Expect a nightly whisper asking you to pass gear for him.
The Scrooge: Hoarding up those points for the best-in-slot weapon while his performance slowly falls behind from lack of gear. Very often tries to roll off-spec for main spec items. Married to the Beggar.
The Puppy: Has been in the guild forever and is insanely loyal. Never raids, so nobody knows why.
Mr. Reliable: Doesn't care much about his class or performance. Will never be above the middle of the DPS. But he's there every night, 100%.
The Attorney: Expect to hear "But you said once, in 1982..." Finds something to argue in every decision made by management. Probably has a written record of every flippant comment ever made, by anyone in guild. Screenshots too.
The Professional: 100% prepared. Drops professions regularly, to level another for that extra +10 dmg. Deadly in raids. Occasionally takes aim at the Alt-oholics. You hope he gets a head kill.
The Ball and Chain Heal: Spams chain heal on targets with full health. At least the bounces hit somebody. Balls her eyes out when removed from progression.
The Smoker: Takes a break every 30 minutes whether the raid is taking a break or not, puts a healer on follow without telling anyone, comes back 5 minutes later and complains that he's dead. Usually keys up to chew carrots in vent, when he's back.
The Lonely Chick: This chick is young, might be single, and has no social life outside of the game. She hits on every male member of the guild, but only the paladins fall for her. When she gquits, only the most recent two darlings will go with her. They'll be too embarassed to reapply when she finds a new beau.
Mr. Jumping Bean: Had way too much Red Bull. While the raid is drinking, he's jumping around like popcorn, running in circles, and setting off fireworks. Usually one of your top DPS (See Tom Cruise). Pulls agro 3 times per night, but rarely face pulls, even though he's wayyyy too close to the boss.
Tom Cruise: Outgeared by every other member of the raid, he will top your meters every night. No one knows how, not even him. Usually is also Mr. Jumping Bean.
The Cat Thief: Sneaking into your raids PvP specced.
The Preparation Police: Before the raid starts--or even during the raid itself -- inspects every member for full consumables, drops repair bots and watched who clicks, checks your enchants and your gems and your spec. Usually NOT an officer. You'd call him a tattle, but then how would you ever catch the Cat Thief?
The Mad Chatter: Always typing in raid chat, guild chat, and a dozen different whispers, to the point where he's the bottom of the web stats, always. Sadly, your guild can't get along without him, or it would implode from drama. He's defusing issues intead of bosses.
The Absentee Ballot: This is a person who regularly signs up for the raid, says they'll be there an hour before it starts, calls or talks to real life friends who are also guildies saying he will be in the raid minutes before, and never shows up for the raid, ever. But, everyobody loves him, so his votes count for double on guild policy.
The Face Puller: Enough said.
The CC Breaker: Enough said.
Darth Vader: He swears he has push to talk on, but every now and then you hear his vent activate with only him breathing deeply in the other end.
The Pervs: Take anything and everything said and twists it into innuendo, some more subtle than others. Their minds reside firmly in the gutter. Source of much entertainment, especially late at night. See (the Drunks). Keep away from the Kid and the Other Kid or you may lose them to parental aggro.
Ms. Freudian Slip: Always manages to say things in a way that sounds terribly pervy, always by accident. Sends the Pervs into conniption fits.
The White Rabbit (I'm late, I'm late!): Depresed that he missed the raid, insists that he is available in /gchat, asks what boss the raid is on, sometimes asks what drops. Goes into frequent detail about what the boss drops and how badly he needs it. Or how it never drops for him.
The Squeaky Wheel: Has a very solid understanding of the principle that "All loot systems are fair, until you lose".
The Aussie Druid: It's 5am there on a Weds morning, so how exactly did he manage to join The Drunks?
The Daydreamer: Always minimized between boss attempts, he is looking for something more interesting than waiting for buffs. Inevitably misses the Ready Check and says "Sorry i was alt-tabbed." When he finds something worthy, he must tell everyone in the raid about the completely off topic fact he has found about the next patch, completely interrupting anything important that the raid leader has to say.
Mister Mumbles: Loves to talk on vent, but is constantly asked what he just said. This can be caused by several reasons - broken mic, bad accent, just mumbly. Almost always has something important to say - too bad you'll never hear it.
The Cusser: Swears profusely about everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. He'll swear when your group is idle in front of the instance. This dude can be very funny, especially if he has an accent. He's almost always drunk and will usually tell you he's drunk multiple times.
The Clown: Provides raid entertainment. Does impressions, tells jokes, sings/raps, plays sound clips... you name it, this guy does it over Vent. His main flaw is that he will do this at the worst times, including in the middle of boss fights. This guy can overlap quite easily with The Cusser.
The Waffleface: This person falls asleep at the keyboard almost every raid. Usually indicated by them running straight into the next pull, or into a wall if combat already started. The raid leader still invites him though because secretly he wants a scapegoat reason to end raids so he can get some sleep too.
Mr. E. Bay: Used to be a regular reliable raider but suddenly stopped playing for a month without warning. When coming back he wants to raid but won’t speak in vent anymore and keeps the wrong spec gear equipped. Will not have a threat meter installed anymore and won't know how his buffs work. Says LOL a lot.
Alt Mole: This person loves to talk about their main character that is in another more progressed guild (possibly in the other faction) and how your guild doesn’t stand a chance in that level of content. He still expects you to gear him and oddly his performance is decidedly average.
The Button Masher: You hear him talk, but can only wonder how many abilities he is trying to use per cool-down. The ratio of words to background clicks is about 1:47. Usually a tank. Often heard saying something like "Pot--click--click--last stand!--click--click--click--click--shield wall--...."
The Homophobe - At every miss pull, wipe, rebuff, OOM, wait at a summon, he will proclaim that this is Gay, that every other class with every other spec other than his is gay, will complain that EQ is so much better and WoW is really gay. Laughs at other peoples gear and calls it gay. Uses the word gay in almost every sentence he spouts forth. Everything else he says is an acronym.
Loregeek - Only plays this game because of the storyline, and insists that everyone should care about the lore as well. Common on RP servers. You -do- want to hear about Teron Gorefiend's history, don't you?
80
Wiley Coyote "Super Genius" - This is the guy who specializes in figuring out new, interesting ways to die. In combat. Out of combat. Trash. Bosses. It doesn't matter. If this person hasn't died in the last 15 minutes something just feels wrong. This is the guy who found the gap in the railing between Shade and the first Netherspite trash-pull. Twice.
"The" Healer - This person is a good healer. Never lets the tank die. Never drops below 70% mana. Always first on the heal meters, and last on the overheal meters. Sometimes also a drunk. Occasionally wipes the raid on farm runs when he gets board and tries to see how low he can let the tank get before the big heal lands. Likes to see exactly how much of the Tank's HP he can heal in one big crit-heal but doesn't always time things quite right.
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